THE DEATH

I’m here going home feeling so crazy that I’m holding a conversation with myself. “How is this happening?” “Why is this happening” “When is this gonna stop?” My only sensible answers to my own questions were “make it end! What do you have to lose?” As I walk to the bus stop I dodge 3 cars that I didn’t see in my state of insanity and incoherence.

 I didn’t think that dying would welcome me as it did! Death gave me an instruction manual.

Step 1. Get your ingredients. Bleach and ammonia.

Step 2. Mix them together

Step 3. Think of the saddest things you possibly can.

Step 4. When you start to cry drink the mixture

I dodged a few more cars as I walked home like a zombie not realizing what my mind was telling me to do. I get home, sat down to my computer and typed an email to everyone of my email contacts which said “By the time you read this… I will be dead.” My one request was that everyone would take care of my son. I waited to press “send” until I began to cry so I put my Stevie Wonder c.d. on and played the song “Ordinary Pain.” As the song played, I thought of everything that made me upset and the tears rolled down my face and the room seemed so dark and cloudy all I could hear was the rapid pace of my petrified heart reminding me that my life was soon to end.

 My hands shook in fear as I lifted the cup to my mouth while the smell of the chemicals burned my nostrils as my heart raced faster and faster.

 I finally got the cup to my twitching mouth and suddenly “RIIIIING!!!!!” The phone loudly goes off!!! I dropped the cup in fear and shock and staggered to the telephone. By the second ring I answered and no one was there. I had just gotten the courage to get that death formula up to my mouth. Now I have to go through it again!!!! But I realized something. I realized that God had called for me so that I wouldn’t take my life! I stood there in relief of insanity, erased the email I was going to send and cleaned the tears that drenched my face while I wept even more thinking of what I was about to do. I cleaned my clothes and prayed to God for help until I fell asleep because I was so weak, miserable and hurt.

The next morning is here and I opened my eyes gagging and choking from the smell of the toxics that were embedded in my nose hairs. I felt that God was making me remember what I was about to do to myself and my son.

I felt dead and had to touch everything to see had I really escaped the close thought of ending my life. “I made it!!!” “I made it!!!” “I’M ALIVE!!!” I called a friend and explained what had happened to me. I was told to think about what would have happened to my son had I died, what would he think, and how could he make it realizing that there was no chance of having me anymore in life. This could have made my Jr want to kill his self as well!  He could have been thinking this was his fault or even thinking that death was the only way to survive storms. This could have been the time he needed me as his dad in these days and I punked out!   As big as my dreams were for His life…He may have never made it had He known I’d killed myself. I need help God. You’ve guided me this far…and I need help NOW!!!

What do I do now? How soon will He answer? Will he answer?

I’m CRAZY!!!! I AM!!! I drop and Pass out.

"THE CHEATING"

THE CHEATING

I Looked for a sensible reason to be here and couldn’t find one. I didn’t even know where “here” was. I was stuck in a life of unapproved love. I was now a victim of a big crash called “marriage.”

There was nothing for me to do now…she proved that. Now how she once regretted me, had grown into how she hated me, she told me how she wished I were never born, she used my desire for her approval to get what she wanted out of me and gave me no more than hell!

We’d argue at home after sleeping back to back to one another while she rolled up tightly in the sheets making sure I wouldn’t have a chance of seeing any of her body which I was never welcomed to.  

My sickness had become strong with grief and I stayed seizing which caused me to have to stay at the Dr’s office. On afternoon while we were at the doctor’s office my doctor instructed me that I needed sex to relieve my stress and I loved him for it!!! My eyes lit up, the room became bright and I thought that maybe… just maybe I’d have a chance to relieve some of this stress pleasurably. However…she wouldn’t comply with his directions even if the result was my untimely death from numerous stress provoked seizures. The only life I had was to go to the only one who would accept me: “My son.”

I’d hold my new reason for being happy in my arms and would feel his little heart beat next to mine and would zone out from the entire world in bliss.    The one thing she hated was to be ignored but I was too busy loving “being loved.”  Jr. was at a few months of age and she decided to provoke an argument; however I was too in love with my baby. I continued to rub his head, smile at his expressions and held his little body in my arms not even paying her any attention. She said everything that she knew would regularly hurt me…I ignored her. She called me everything dreadful to the ear…I kissed my baby’s head until suddenly…

The room seemed grey and stiff, I looked up to see the piggy bank for my baby was dashing in my direction. My baby was smiling his beautiful little smile while cuddled in my arms and she was still in her “pitcher’s position” from throwing that bank. I jumped fearfully and swiftly turned my back to cover my son!

The strike from the bank felt like a bullet and was so hard that it caused pains in my chest. Had it hit my baby…he’d be dead!
   
 I looked with a painful and shocking relief and walked slowly to place my son in his crib. I balled up my fist as the room got red and smoky again and I headed towards her slowly and silently. The room began turn red The size of her eyes had blown up in fear, my teeth gritted like a table saw and I picked her up by her neck holding her in the air. Her face had now turned red, my hands wrenched tighter and tighter as I envisioned what would have happened to my son if I hadn’t moved so quickly.

She gasped for air and I threw her on the floor twisting her arms until her shoulders met her hips!   “You almost killed my son!!!!” “You almost killed my son!!!” I banged her head on the floor while I tried to break her bones then finally I came to myself “WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?!?!” I asked. “I DON’T HIT WOMEN;” but I needed one more slam for how I feared for my son’s life. BAMMM!!! I wasn’t satisfied but I was done. I got up. I was hurt, I was in fear, I had hit a female…and I was relieved! I needed air so I leave to go for a walk. The room was still red, my face was scorching hot, my mind was saying a million things and everybody lined up against the wall in total silence until I left!!!

I finally got back home and things were as usual; as if nothing had happened. Nothing was discussed, nothing said and absolutely nothing to be there for. We proceeded with the “hate each other at home and smile in public” front for years.

There was a new gimmick she decided to use on me. She would come to me and say that the kids were disturbed about certain things because she knew I valued their feelings. “The kids say you don’t act right around your family because you think they’re better than mine.”

I would be surprised me to hear so many stories from the kids who never complained to me as much as I spent time trying to talk with them.

  I finally decided to go to them personally and ask “why didn’t you ever tell me these things?” and they’d look at me wondering what I was talking about. “We never said any of that!” they replied and I knew they were telling the truth because the stories had become more and more personal and repetitive.

I had to hold on to this lifestyle for their sake until finally we decided to move away. She stopped going to the church and I proceeded. I come from a family of contractors and had very good credit so I bought a house and fixed it up. I was now working in a major home improvement company as a supervisor.

I was a MAN now! Paying a mortgage and even looking into a new endeavor: "Real estate." I decided to buy a house to put in each of the children’s name for them after growing up and completing school. Soon I had owned 3 homes and it was all looking good! I’d come home from my hard working job with a large cashed check then lay it on the table saying “pay the mortgage, cable and lights bills. Whatever is left we’ll break it up.” She’d take the money to do so.

I’m thinking in my mind that this would change things; yet I’m not getting any more love than before, the kids were even more rebellious and me spending quality time with my baby boy who enjoyed it…was the newest complaint.  She comes to me “The kids say you treat him differently.”

Not this crap again I'm thinking. No I don’t. I’d say. He just lets me love him!   I wanted her to try and justify her lie because she didn’t know that I had already been asking the kids about these allegations.   I come up with an idea to solve this issue. “Let’s have a family meeting and discuss this.” "Aint nobody havin no family meeting!" she protested fearing that the truth would come out. 

I’d come home from work figuring I’d earned a little bit of sex with all the hard work an money id produce…but I was wrong! My personal mail had already been opened and looked at, by my “nemesis” who yelled at me for going a few minutes over my cell phone time. You may ask "Why would that provoke any agreement?" Because that was the ONE bill she paid!

 I’m horny, I’m tired, I’m lonely and I’m done! I go up to the highest level of our beautiful home which was our bedroom to find my baby boy watching “Nemo” on the v.c.r. My boy was now two years old and knew how to put his favorite movie in and watch to get  away from everyone else’s drama and do  what made him happy. He’d yell “DADDY” when he saw me and my exhausted face lit up every time I’d hear it! He’d fall asleep watching his movie with me and I’d carry him down to his room to tuck him in. I’d go down see why she had never come up to bed and there she is down in the little television room that I had built covered up to her face with the blanket as if she were watching a show. She’d say “I’m not tired yet;” but guess what? I am already tired so I head back up to sleep.

I got up in the middle of the night and realize that she hadn’t gotten upstairs yet so I go down to wake her up to come to bed. I got down stairs only to find that “SHE’S GONE!!” I looked outside in the driveway for the car and see it was gone!!!  My heart dropped. I couldn’t believe this. 3 a.m. 
 and she’s out!

I called her phone in fear tears and pain asking where she was while hearing voices and music she would tell me not to call her again because I was embarrassing her! Embarrassing her? I'm babysitting YOUR KIDS while you cheat on me and YOU'RE embarrassed?!?

 I went to bed with a migraine over the fact that the one I had done so much for, the one whose children I had raised and took care of while their own dad wouldn’t then bought houses to assure their stable future despite their hate towards me… would treat me like this!  My love was going to work to get away from home. I walked around the work place and one of my clients would tell me that I looked dead. My feelings were on my face. You look like you're about to have a stroke!!! I asked him for his prayers and he agreed.

I guess the prayers were for later on because she's done it again!

It’s now the day of our family reunion we were to meet at the park as early as 7 a.m.  We had an hour ride there plus we all had to get dressed. I get up early to start getting things together only to find she’s gone again!

I called but she wouldn’t answer so I started dressing the kids…were all dressed, it’s 8 o clock and she still isn’t home! I call and she answers as if I’m aggravating her. I’M ON MY WAY!!!

An hour later she pulls into the driveway I needed to get to the park to release my angers before I expressed them on her.

  After getting dressed we get to the reunion where she smiles and laughs as if everything is ay okay. The next night I come down stairs while she’s on MY house phone, which I pay the bills… talking to the dude she was cheating with!! I picked up the upstairs phone and got a little of their conversation. “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!!!???!!!” She jumps up as I storm downstairs “You gotta hurry up and get me outta this house with this nigga!!!” she says to him. I took the phone and ask why would he be doing this knowing she was married,  even seeing me come to her job…WHY? His reply was simply “Yo I’m just trying to help a sista out.”
My heart drops further, I cried and cried and this day she went up to bed... and. I stayed down stairs looking at all the work I had done for and in this house after coming from a 12 hour day at work. It was still not enough. I realize my love was merely a need for approval.  Let me leave. What would I miss here? Aggravation, stress, pain, or disrespect?

My client told me he had a place for me to see. It was just what I needed and brand new. I went home to tell my nemesis that I was gone. "You can stay in the house since you have the kids." as I packed my things and I was gone!

I missed coming home to my son’s bright eyes I thought about the betrayal, the many chances as I had to enjoy with people she knew…I was faithful! This is what I get? I didn’t know how to handle it until this day. I walked into work and was asked to come into the manager’s office with the guidance counselor. The store does morning inventory replenishment where they locate the items missing on the shelves from the over heads or anywhere in the store that they may be located. 

  Because I'm epileptic I'm prohibited from driving a forklift to get items from over heads therefore I am only to locate the items and write the location of them. I was a pro at my job’ actually I was asked to come from my first store to come train these managers!!! I did well in my task of training and was soon to be promoted. The problems was…the store felt as if they were paying me too much for my position; but they had no way of getting rid of me.

  Their concept was to hire two associates for my salary so they fired me for not driving the forklift. I was so surprised that after all of the work I had done, the cooperate commendations, the store letters and bonuses…they let me go because of my disability!!!! EVERYTHING IS HAPPENNING TO ME AND THIS IS JUST TOO MUCH! I know what I’ll do…I’ll kill myself.

STAY TUNED FOR MY NEXT BLOG ENTITLED. 'THE DEATH."

"THE FAMILY"

THE FAMILY

I’m in love now. My life has changed, people see me as another person because they notice the “American dream:” a woman, a man, a boy and a girl. Hey this could be it! She didn’t go back to her ex…she didn’t let me go. In fact she gave me her proposal. I had three months to say I’d be her husband or else. How much more proof did I need to show I was wanted?

Everything was panning out. I had come above the ground and above the dirt of my mental burial. I finally felt alive. My only problem was not “fitting in.” The outside world had accepted me and the fact that they had falsely labeled me a child molester. I have been called many things and I never let it bother me. So I won’t let this hold me back either because I had too much lovin’ to do. The strong hold was not from the outside world. It was from my new family. 

The children wouldn’t speak to me they’d stare and roll their eyes at me, and would do their best to oppose anything I said with their mother on their side and me being the new guy around town. “Red light.” I’m walking around feeling belittled, betrayed and embarrassed daily by an entire household. Do I want to torture myself with this atmosphere of separation and disrespect? YES!!! I wanted my family! I’d waited entirely too long to have something of my own that no one had to get for me! I had to prove to my new family that I was there for them, I had to prove to her that I could be the husband she needed and prove to myself that I could follow through without failing! My ambition was grown…my desire was strong and my plan was worth a shot. My heart however; was broken every time I attempted to make myself seem like I was part of this family. “Hell… take the chance it will get better” I say as my other voice says don’t fool yourself. My decision comes from realizing how alone and lonely I had been before this relationship. I must do it!

I finally closed my eyes and my mind and approached her.”Will you marry me?” Are you serious? I asked myself and she asked me the same. I shut my second voice of warning and said “YES!” and coincidentally she replied the exact thing again!  The word was out and I was too. I called and gathered my family and friends to let them know that I had finally someone to love. As troubled as I was internally …I had to celebrate. I had already made the announcement to them. They met and accepted her, I met hers and they accepted me. Now the big step comes. We brought the idea to our pastor. Bishop explained that this would be a big step for the both of us. While knowing this was absolutely true… we agreed to take the chance.

Bishop then told us that second families were hard to deal with and we replied “were up for the fight!” He finally said “This isn’t going to work out!” RED LIGHT!!!  My heart raced my mind raced even faster and all of my voices spoke. I needed this family and she needed to proceed. We in our offense then decided to proceed despite of the dreaded reality. “They just don’t want anyone happy besides them!” was our argument. “Who cares? We’re getting married!!!” We proclaimed. While 20 more red lights popped in my mind.

“The devil wanted me sad but God wants me happy” was my statement of debate. I was happy now!!! I was happy over the thought of being happy, the thought of approval was the final success of my life's  new completion.

A few weeks later we brought a ring to our pastor’s office before Sunday service to bless. He never blessed it he just took it. After service before dismissal Bishop called me from my seat in the front and her from the back where she sat. Bishop made an announcement of my proposal and blessed the ring in front of the congregation which was not what we asked for. A few months later we were married. One thing we were always taught is…when you marry the wife you marry her whole family.

I thought being wedded would prove to the children that I was serious about obligating myself to them and their happiness as well.

Actually they saw my devotion and they used it against me every chance they got! As I said before the intent was not to make a "happy home" because it became more and more unhappily daily. The children would go against my requests to them by asking their mom to oppose it. She in turn always would as they’d smirk. I was still a rookie to "love and life" so I had to behave.

 The children’s dad had to prove his fatherhood by making promises to the kids that he never kept.

He’d promise to take them out and they’d wait on the stairs calling him until they fell asleep crying. I would always have to come to the rescue in an attempt to cheer them up. “Let’s go get pizza!!!” I’d say or anything to try and make them forget what they cried so hard over. The one thing is…they didn’t want MY love they wanted HIS; therefore nothing I did was good enough. 

Soon my bride had become my enemy. She was under the assumption that marrying me would make him want to step up and usurp the position. “Red Light!”  It didn’t. Actually he had less to worry about because He knew I’d be there to attain any needed responsibilities while he’d be away and still attain their respect. She despised the fact of me being there daily yet had no problem showing me off in deeds and words to her friends, her family and anyone else around. Soon they warned her that this was not the way to do things. But she knew I’d be around…so why should she have to stop? I needed to feel love to make love and have love but that all ceased as well.

 I’d find myself walking as if I were in a zombie in a daze moving around in a trance needing sex because I never had any. I’d be so deep in need that I'd be angry and go into seizures. My mind suffered from lust had gotten so bad that I’d pay to see her in the lingerie she got from her bridal shower! This isn’t what I signed up for! It’s going to get better I’d say. I just have to hold on.

 Our touches became scarce, our smiles had become temporal and my use to the family had become a waste of time until one day we came up with a plan: “let’s have a baby!!!” I can have a child to love me as much as I loved it…she could have another chance to prove that she’d moved on!!!

The process seemed like forever. We’d wake up in the middle of the night and say “ready to make a baby?” and we’d get up and assume the position. The problem was we were trying But like I prayed before… I was gonna get this prayer through and finally the day came where she announced it finally happened. I was gonna be a dad!!! I cried and cried.

 I knew there was a bigger picture and soon... he was here: my little “daddy’s boy!!!” I couldn’t help but need him and have him with me and feel the love he purified my tortured heart with. The need he’d have to be held by me and the need I’d have to hold him. The children had family that went to our church and their humungous uncle on their dad's side told them that when the baby arrived; he’d be their “step brother” and not their real bother!!!

 That tore me up; but he made all of the difference upon his arrival! Whatever the problem no matter how disrespectful they were to me…from the white wearing bride with a now black heart…I was happy and it was finally all worth the while because I had found a sense of family!!!!. My Son.

STAY TUNED FOR MY NEXT CHAPTER ENTITLED "THE CHEATING"

THE TRAP

We all know, the marriage vow "til death do us part" and anything that is not alive is dead. This is my story of how death came alive by finding love and mental resurrection.

I often prayed to God in my lonesome voice to give me someone to love, someone to honor, someone to cherish and someone to need.

My mistake was not asking God for someone to love, honor, cherish,respect or need me! God answers prayers and He gave me exactly what I prayed for: Someone to love and adore.

After coming from a life of despair, losing my mother, not knowing my father, not having a very close relationship with my sisters or brother, I felt as if I had nothing else to lose but my mind. That was until I found the woman of my dreams and I was trapped in her love.

Ensnared into what I couldn’t let go of...incarcerated where I was...and bound into a desire for marriage. This is my story of falling into the chains of love.

After all that life had dealt me, I had no place but to go besides to the Lord. I didn’t have money; but I had a gift of music which I offered as a service. Not known to the area nor by the people…I was looked at as if I had two heads. I was a "weirdo" to many because they didn’t know me, because I minded my business and didn’t need to be in the crowd. Until I talked to her…the shocker of my day and who would have known she was so down to earth? I finally got a conversation with her that blew my mind. I was given the telephone number of a young lady.  She was cute, plus sized, simple and interested and I... was ecstatic! Who would think she'd come my way? "The woman of my dreams;" but as lonely as I was… any woman could have filled that position! She however was my new buddy/secret crush.

I was very sick from seizures that I had since childhood this particular day my new “telephone buddy” called and found out I was sick. I got a visit to the room that I rented with a gift of pillows, blankets, and homemade soup. Even better the woman of my dreams carrying it. I was now so deep in love and was under the assumption that she was too. She won my heart and there was no way to lose it. I felt the sense of care and knew this had to be it! She gave me her address to visit and I didn't miss a day!

I visited her home and was honored to be there in her cozy place while I stood still shaking from intimidation and  blushing from shyness. I stared from awe of the woman who I believed “loves me;” but I needed proof because this was too good to be true. She was a babysitter for the church where we both met.

This particular day came while I was at her house, her clients stopped by. The parents dropped their child off and spoke to her while I was in the room not knowing that I was there. "We won't be using you anymore they explained." Why? What's wrong?she  asked. Rumor had it in the church that I was a child molester!..I was shocked heartbroken and appalled at such a lie from church people who didn't even know my name! and of course, they did not want their children around me. 

She tried to explain that this was not the truth. "Why would I let him be around my children if it were?" she argued. "We don't know him" they debated. It's either him or us. "Nice doing business with you" she said.  My heart was now deeper in pain. Pain because the church I attended spread rumors about me like this, pain because it was believed... and mostly pain because she lost her clients because of me.

All I could do was pray for her and the liars that would say such a thing. I already had a bad rep for being how I was: epileptic, alone, lonely and unattractive. The one thing that helped me was the thought that she chose me over them. She assured me that it was ok and she’d do fine; yet there was one other misfortune I had to deal with: the father of her children. I'd become an assistant to my "girlfriend” with the two kids she had left to attend to and she gave me permission to answer her telephone and door. I'd always answer in a mellow business voice  and from "this" call I'd hear:  LET ME SPEAK TO THE KIDS! Not wanting to cause any confusion...I simply gave them the phone and their faces filled with delight! That was until I got tired of being disrespected by someone I didn't even know nor who knew me.

I'd often find her dazing into my eyes when I spoke saying “You speak like a poet.” she said. She'd then break down and begin to cry about the nemesis that controlled her heart, her children and my chance of ever getting a fair chance with her: her “ex.” The one who she loved, broke her heart, and then left without giving it back. This was my first "red light" she looked in my face and saw what she wanted him to be; until she became coherent and realized that it was just “me” there. Not him.

We spent the night together while I suffered from more seizures and she tended to me again. I was so distressed and tired that I could barely keep my eyes opened. She made me feel so secured by feeding me knowing I was hungry. As I laid there weak and knocked out, I jumped out of my sleep feeling a spirit and as I opened my eyes I saw her staring at me.  Her face expressed dread while she stared and I shocked her as I jumped up. "What are you doing?!?" I asked. She simply said "I watched you snore... It was cute." But there was nothing cute about how she looked at me nor the spirit that woke me up.

I couldn't sleep for a few days after the spirit that woke me up. There was nothing cute about it. That should've been my second 
"red light!!!!"

I made my way back over to assist my girl seeing as she lost her kids for my sake. School was in session and it was time for me to get down to proving that I'm a worker and her supportive man. It’s time to help babysit the kids. The phone rings and I leave the children playing so I could answer it. I answered the telephone in my business voice and again I hear the demand "LET ME SPEAK TO THE KIDS!!!" Man I'm tired of this crap I thought. My skin tightened up, my eyes darkened and I decided to say hell to this!  “No!!!” I said.  “As a matter of fact… HELL NO!!!” I continued. "Listen when you call and speak to me, you give me the same respect I give you! You don’t call as if I'm supposed to be afraid of you because I'm not!!! There's no one trying to take your children from you! He however… didn't think I had the balls to speak back becauseI never did and he was supposed to be "the dude ” around the way and in the church; but I'm from New York. I've seen much more than what he expressed!

"I'll come over there and knock you into a seizure!" he said... he yelled “I'll Kill you” and I waited for him to get here to try it. My nose was riled up…my sickness was disrespected; I was new in town, labeled and threatened by someone who didn’t know me? Now I was I was ready, he was mad, and she...was elated. Her plan had begun  to work! The plan to make him fight over her to make it seem as if he fought me for her, then proving he still wanted her because she still wanted him. He drove up in his car ready to fight and I was happy now! I had a way to release my anger after all I had just gone through before moving to New Jersey, then prove to them that I could take care of her.

As she came to the door...she realized his woman was in the car with him… for her!!! What a shock. He wasn't gonna fight for her...but He did bring someone to "fight" her. PLAN FOILED. "Don't get yourself in any trouble" she said to me. Let's just go back inside. I wanted to fight... but there was no need to. I didn't want problems for her home. Back inside we go and the tears began again. "Red light" My next question was "how did these strangers know about my epilepsy?" Somebody's mouth is running again! "Red light!"

I had had more "red lights" than a 3 day road trip...and more speed bumps than a Parking garage; but I never slowed down and never stopped. I couldn't give this up!!! I had to be the man to take her mind off of him! I had a family… my own family. A woman, a boy and a girl even though they weren't mine I was in love with the thought of having my own family; which was why I dealt with the odds, the false smiles, the calls and the humility. I just wanted a family. What I didn’t accept was the true fact that they didn’t want me.

My next story: "The Family.”