THE
FAMILY
I’m in love now. My life has changed, people see me as
another person because they notice the “American dream:” a woman, a man, a boy
and a girl. Hey this could be it! She didn’t go back to her ex…she didn’t let
me go. In fact she gave me her proposal. I had three months to say I’d be her
husband or else. How much more proof did I need to show I was wanted?
Everything was panning out. I had come above the ground
and above the dirt of my mental burial. I finally felt alive. My only problem
was not “fitting in.” The outside world had accepted me and the fact that they
had falsely labeled me a child molester. I have been called many things and I
never let it bother me. So I won’t let this hold me back either because I had
too much lovin’ to do. The strong hold was not from the outside world. It was
from my new family.
The children wouldn’t speak to me they’d stare and roll
their eyes at me, and would do their best to oppose anything I said with their
mother on their side and me being the new guy around town. “Red light.” I’m walking around feeling belittled, betrayed and
embarrassed daily by an entire household. Do I want to torture myself with this
atmosphere of separation and disrespect? YES!!!
I wanted my family! I’d waited entirely too long to have something of my own
that no one had to get for me! I had to prove to my new family that I was there
for them, I had to prove to her that I could be the husband she needed and
prove to myself that I could follow through without failing! My ambition was grown…my
desire was strong and my plan was worth a shot. My heart however; was broken
every time I attempted to make myself seem like I was part of this family.
“Hell… take the chance it will get better” I say as my other voice says don’t
fool yourself. My decision comes from realizing how alone and lonely I had been before this relationship. I must do
it!
I finally closed my eyes and my mind and approached
her.”Will you marry me?” Are you
serious? I asked myself and she asked me the same. I shut my second voice
of warning and said “YES!” and coincidentally she replied the exact thing
again! The word was out and I was too. I
called and gathered my family and friends to let them know that I had finally
someone to love. As troubled as I was internally …I had to celebrate. I had
already made the announcement to them. They met and accepted her, I met hers
and they accepted me. Now the big step comes. We brought the idea to our
pastor. Bishop explained that this would be a big step for the both of us.
While knowing this was absolutely true… we agreed to take the chance.
Bishop then told us that second families were hard to
deal with and we replied “were up for the fight!” He finally said “This isn’t
going to work out!” RED LIGHT!!! My heart raced my mind raced even faster and
all of my voices spoke. I needed this family and she needed to proceed. We in
our offense then decided to proceed despite of the dreaded reality. “They just
don’t want anyone happy besides them!” was our argument. “Who cares? We’re
getting married!!!” We proclaimed. While 20 more red lights popped in my mind.
“The devil
wanted me sad but God wants me
happy” was my statement of debate. I was happy now!!! I was happy over the
thought of being happy, the thought of approval was the final success of my life's new completion.
A few weeks later we brought a ring to our pastor’s
office before Sunday service to bless. He never blessed it he just took it.
After service before dismissal Bishop called me from my seat in the front and
her from the back where she sat. Bishop made an announcement of my proposal and
blessed the ring in front of the congregation which was not what we asked for. A few months later we were married. One
thing we were always taught is…when you marry the wife you marry her whole
family.
I thought being wedded would prove to the children that
I was serious about obligating myself to them and their happiness as well.
Actually they saw my devotion and they used it against me
every chance they got! As I said before the intent was not to make a "happy home"
because it became more and more unhappily daily. The children would go against
my requests to them by asking their mom to oppose it. She in turn always would
as they’d smirk. I was still a rookie to "love and life" so I had to behave.
The children’s dad had to prove his fatherhood by making promises to the kids
that he never kept.
He’d promise to take them out and they’d wait on the
stairs calling him until they fell asleep crying. I would always have to come
to the rescue in an attempt to cheer them up. “Let’s go get pizza!!!” I’d say
or anything to try and make them forget what they cried so hard over. The one
thing is…they didn’t want MY love
they wanted HIS; therefore nothing I did was good enough.
Soon my bride had become my enemy. She was under the
assumption that marrying me would make him want to step up and usurp the
position. “Red Light!” It didn’t. Actually he had less to worry
about because He knew I’d be there to attain any needed responsibilities while
he’d be away and still attain their respect. She despised the fact of me being
there daily yet had no problem showing me off in deeds and words to her
friends, her family and anyone else around. Soon they warned her that this was
not the way to do things. But she knew I’d be around…so why should she have to
stop? I needed to feel love to make love and have love but that all ceased as
well.
I’d find myself walking as if I were in a zombie in a daze moving around
in a trance needing sex because I never had any. I’d be so deep in need that I'd
be angry and go into seizures. My mind suffered from lust had gotten so bad that I’d
pay to see her in the lingerie she got from her bridal shower! This isn’t what
I signed up for! It’s going to get better I’d say. I just have to hold on.
Our touches
became scarce, our smiles had become temporal and my use to the family had
become a waste of time until one day we came up with a plan: “let’s have a
baby!!!” I can have a child to love me as much as I loved it…she could have
another chance to prove that she’d moved on!!!
The process seemed like forever. We’d wake up in the
middle of the night and say “ready to make a baby?” and we’d get up and assume
the position. The problem was we were trying But like I prayed before… I was
gonna get this prayer through and finally the day came where she announced it
finally happened. I was gonna be a dad!!! I cried and cried.
I knew there was a
bigger picture and soon... he was here: my little “daddy’s boy!!!” I couldn’t help
but need him and have him with me and feel the love he purified my tortured
heart with. The need he’d have to be held by me and the need I’d have to hold
him. The children had family that went to our church and their humungous uncle on their dad's side told them that when the baby arrived; he’d be their “step brother” and not
their real bother!!!
That tore me up; but he made all of the difference upon his
arrival! Whatever the problem no matter how disrespectful they were to me…from
the white wearing bride with a now black heart…I was happy and it was finally
all worth the while because I had found a sense of family!!!!. My Son.
STAY TUNED FOR MY NEXT CHAPTER ENTITLED "THE CHEATING"
