"THE CHEATING"

THE CHEATING

I Looked for a sensible reason to be here and couldn’t find one. I didn’t even know where “here” was. I was stuck in a life of unapproved love. I was now a victim of a big crash called “marriage.”

There was nothing for me to do now…she proved that. Now how she once regretted me, had grown into how she hated me, she told me how she wished I were never born, she used my desire for her approval to get what she wanted out of me and gave me no more than hell!

We’d argue at home after sleeping back to back to one another while she rolled up tightly in the sheets making sure I wouldn’t have a chance of seeing any of her body which I was never welcomed to.  

My sickness had become strong with grief and I stayed seizing which caused me to have to stay at the Dr’s office. On afternoon while we were at the doctor’s office my doctor instructed me that I needed sex to relieve my stress and I loved him for it!!! My eyes lit up, the room became bright and I thought that maybe… just maybe I’d have a chance to relieve some of this stress pleasurably. However…she wouldn’t comply with his directions even if the result was my untimely death from numerous stress provoked seizures. The only life I had was to go to the only one who would accept me: “My son.”

I’d hold my new reason for being happy in my arms and would feel his little heart beat next to mine and would zone out from the entire world in bliss.    The one thing she hated was to be ignored but I was too busy loving “being loved.”  Jr. was at a few months of age and she decided to provoke an argument; however I was too in love with my baby. I continued to rub his head, smile at his expressions and held his little body in my arms not even paying her any attention. She said everything that she knew would regularly hurt me…I ignored her. She called me everything dreadful to the ear…I kissed my baby’s head until suddenly…

The room seemed grey and stiff, I looked up to see the piggy bank for my baby was dashing in my direction. My baby was smiling his beautiful little smile while cuddled in my arms and she was still in her “pitcher’s position” from throwing that bank. I jumped fearfully and swiftly turned my back to cover my son!

The strike from the bank felt like a bullet and was so hard that it caused pains in my chest. Had it hit my baby…he’d be dead!
   
 I looked with a painful and shocking relief and walked slowly to place my son in his crib. I balled up my fist as the room got red and smoky again and I headed towards her slowly and silently. The room began turn red The size of her eyes had blown up in fear, my teeth gritted like a table saw and I picked her up by her neck holding her in the air. Her face had now turned red, my hands wrenched tighter and tighter as I envisioned what would have happened to my son if I hadn’t moved so quickly.

She gasped for air and I threw her on the floor twisting her arms until her shoulders met her hips!   “You almost killed my son!!!!” “You almost killed my son!!!” I banged her head on the floor while I tried to break her bones then finally I came to myself “WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?!?!” I asked. “I DON’T HIT WOMEN;” but I needed one more slam for how I feared for my son’s life. BAMMM!!! I wasn’t satisfied but I was done. I got up. I was hurt, I was in fear, I had hit a female…and I was relieved! I needed air so I leave to go for a walk. The room was still red, my face was scorching hot, my mind was saying a million things and everybody lined up against the wall in total silence until I left!!!

I finally got back home and things were as usual; as if nothing had happened. Nothing was discussed, nothing said and absolutely nothing to be there for. We proceeded with the “hate each other at home and smile in public” front for years.

There was a new gimmick she decided to use on me. She would come to me and say that the kids were disturbed about certain things because she knew I valued their feelings. “The kids say you don’t act right around your family because you think they’re better than mine.”

I would be surprised me to hear so many stories from the kids who never complained to me as much as I spent time trying to talk with them.

  I finally decided to go to them personally and ask “why didn’t you ever tell me these things?” and they’d look at me wondering what I was talking about. “We never said any of that!” they replied and I knew they were telling the truth because the stories had become more and more personal and repetitive.

I had to hold on to this lifestyle for their sake until finally we decided to move away. She stopped going to the church and I proceeded. I come from a family of contractors and had very good credit so I bought a house and fixed it up. I was now working in a major home improvement company as a supervisor.

I was a MAN now! Paying a mortgage and even looking into a new endeavor: "Real estate." I decided to buy a house to put in each of the children’s name for them after growing up and completing school. Soon I had owned 3 homes and it was all looking good! I’d come home from my hard working job with a large cashed check then lay it on the table saying “pay the mortgage, cable and lights bills. Whatever is left we’ll break it up.” She’d take the money to do so.

I’m thinking in my mind that this would change things; yet I’m not getting any more love than before, the kids were even more rebellious and me spending quality time with my baby boy who enjoyed it…was the newest complaint.  She comes to me “The kids say you treat him differently.”

Not this crap again I'm thinking. No I don’t. I’d say. He just lets me love him!   I wanted her to try and justify her lie because she didn’t know that I had already been asking the kids about these allegations.   I come up with an idea to solve this issue. “Let’s have a family meeting and discuss this.” "Aint nobody havin no family meeting!" she protested fearing that the truth would come out. 

I’d come home from work figuring I’d earned a little bit of sex with all the hard work an money id produce…but I was wrong! My personal mail had already been opened and looked at, by my “nemesis” who yelled at me for going a few minutes over my cell phone time. You may ask "Why would that provoke any agreement?" Because that was the ONE bill she paid!

 I’m horny, I’m tired, I’m lonely and I’m done! I go up to the highest level of our beautiful home which was our bedroom to find my baby boy watching “Nemo” on the v.c.r. My boy was now two years old and knew how to put his favorite movie in and watch to get  away from everyone else’s drama and do  what made him happy. He’d yell “DADDY” when he saw me and my exhausted face lit up every time I’d hear it! He’d fall asleep watching his movie with me and I’d carry him down to his room to tuck him in. I’d go down see why she had never come up to bed and there she is down in the little television room that I had built covered up to her face with the blanket as if she were watching a show. She’d say “I’m not tired yet;” but guess what? I am already tired so I head back up to sleep.

I got up in the middle of the night and realize that she hadn’t gotten upstairs yet so I go down to wake her up to come to bed. I got down stairs only to find that “SHE’S GONE!!” I looked outside in the driveway for the car and see it was gone!!!  My heart dropped. I couldn’t believe this. 3 a.m. 
 and she’s out!

I called her phone in fear tears and pain asking where she was while hearing voices and music she would tell me not to call her again because I was embarrassing her! Embarrassing her? I'm babysitting YOUR KIDS while you cheat on me and YOU'RE embarrassed?!?

 I went to bed with a migraine over the fact that the one I had done so much for, the one whose children I had raised and took care of while their own dad wouldn’t then bought houses to assure their stable future despite their hate towards me… would treat me like this!  My love was going to work to get away from home. I walked around the work place and one of my clients would tell me that I looked dead. My feelings were on my face. You look like you're about to have a stroke!!! I asked him for his prayers and he agreed.

I guess the prayers were for later on because she's done it again!

It’s now the day of our family reunion we were to meet at the park as early as 7 a.m.  We had an hour ride there plus we all had to get dressed. I get up early to start getting things together only to find she’s gone again!

I called but she wouldn’t answer so I started dressing the kids…were all dressed, it’s 8 o clock and she still isn’t home! I call and she answers as if I’m aggravating her. I’M ON MY WAY!!!

An hour later she pulls into the driveway I needed to get to the park to release my angers before I expressed them on her.

  After getting dressed we get to the reunion where she smiles and laughs as if everything is ay okay. The next night I come down stairs while she’s on MY house phone, which I pay the bills… talking to the dude she was cheating with!! I picked up the upstairs phone and got a little of their conversation. “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!!!???!!!” She jumps up as I storm downstairs “You gotta hurry up and get me outta this house with this nigga!!!” she says to him. I took the phone and ask why would he be doing this knowing she was married,  even seeing me come to her job…WHY? His reply was simply “Yo I’m just trying to help a sista out.”
My heart drops further, I cried and cried and this day she went up to bed... and. I stayed down stairs looking at all the work I had done for and in this house after coming from a 12 hour day at work. It was still not enough. I realize my love was merely a need for approval.  Let me leave. What would I miss here? Aggravation, stress, pain, or disrespect?

My client told me he had a place for me to see. It was just what I needed and brand new. I went home to tell my nemesis that I was gone. "You can stay in the house since you have the kids." as I packed my things and I was gone!

I missed coming home to my son’s bright eyes I thought about the betrayal, the many chances as I had to enjoy with people she knew…I was faithful! This is what I get? I didn’t know how to handle it until this day. I walked into work and was asked to come into the manager’s office with the guidance counselor. The store does morning inventory replenishment where they locate the items missing on the shelves from the over heads or anywhere in the store that they may be located. 

  Because I'm epileptic I'm prohibited from driving a forklift to get items from over heads therefore I am only to locate the items and write the location of them. I was a pro at my job’ actually I was asked to come from my first store to come train these managers!!! I did well in my task of training and was soon to be promoted. The problems was…the store felt as if they were paying me too much for my position; but they had no way of getting rid of me.

  Their concept was to hire two associates for my salary so they fired me for not driving the forklift. I was so surprised that after all of the work I had done, the cooperate commendations, the store letters and bonuses…they let me go because of my disability!!!! EVERYTHING IS HAPPENNING TO ME AND THIS IS JUST TOO MUCH! I know what I’ll do…I’ll kill myself.

STAY TUNED FOR MY NEXT BLOG ENTITLED. 'THE DEATH."